Nanami's Lament
by ithaswhatitisnt
Summary: "He'll come for me, no matter where I am. But I can't rely on him to save me anymore." Nanami is cracking under the pressure of being a land-god. Rated T for implied self-harm (attempted drowning). One-shot.


Honestly, I'm kind of in a bad mood. Very sad...everything seems to make me cry at the drop of a hat...and my head hurts all the time. I have some new pieces in the works, but this one I've decided should be a standalone piece. I got into Kamisama Kiss hardcore (because who doesn't? It's impossible with Tomoe...and especially because he's dubbed by J. Michael Tatum) and found it to be really relatable. Not because I've been approached to be a land god or anything, but because Nanami's other struggles are relatable. She pines incessantly for someone she can't have, and is still trying to find her place in the world. It was easy to translate my worries and struggles to Nanami's viewpoint.

I don't own Kamisama Kiss; Julietta Suzuki does. Nanami's POV; this is rated T for implied self-harm (attempted drowning). Please enjoy.

* * *

The wind is howling monstrously. It is so cold, and I can't see. His name leaps to my tongue: " _Tomoe_ ". All I'd have to do is summon him. He'll come for me, no matter where I am. But I can't rely on him to save me anymore.

Even if I had wanted to call him, I can't muster the strength to do so. I feel so weakened and I know he wouldn't want to see me this way. But not because he cares. He only serves me because I am his lady and mistress and serving me is his purpose. Beyond that, I am a human he despises. I have confessed to him many times, but he rejects me again and again. The entire human race may have infinitely more robust hearts than youkai, but mine is not one of those stoic, everlasting hearts. I have had enough. Mikage picked the wrong human to take over his shrine.

Onikiri and Kotetsu will be devastated, but they will soon forget me. As for Tomoe…I once read that foxes have a good memory. Perhaps he won't forget me. On the other hand, foxes don't forgive or forget injuries, or so my weak human brain remembers. Tomoe likely won't forgive what I've done, abandoning 'his' shrine.

And yet, I hear him calling me…my name sounds like a song coming from him. I'm being scooped from the water's embrace and I'm not pleased. But his delicious heat is more than I can bear. I want to fight, to go back to the water, but his hands are shackles and I am weak.

"Nanami," he says, his voice so reverent I can scarcely believe it. I can't place the reverence. He has never respected me like that. My throat closes and the intensity of his gaze increases. He is unintentionally burning me from the inside out and it may be the most pleasant way to go I hadn't considered.

"Nanami, _look at me_." He's begging. He's never begged before. That must mean things are serious for him. It's easier just to stay limp and not struggle. He lays me down and I am suddenly warm, surrounded by nothing but Tomoe's scent, and if I could, I would weep with joy. This may almost be better than heaven. The whooshing sound of his foxfire tongues startles me, and when he speaks next, he is angry and devastated. "Bring the carriage," he orders, and they leave. He sits next to me, pulling my upper body onto his lap.

"Nanami, please." He's begging again. I crack an eye open, and he relaxes. When he exhales, it's directly onto my face, and I shiver in ecstasy. He misinterprets this as being cold and pulls me closer.

"Nanami." It's that reverent tone again, and I feel he pities me more than anything else. "What were you trying to do?" He's confused, but it's also a rhetorical question. He knows exactly what I was doing. I wasn't good enough for Mikage's shrine, and everyone knew it. We were all playing one massive game of pretend, and I took the brunt of the jokes, the blame…though none of them would say it to my face, I'm sure I was the worst land god possible. "You made Mizuki very sad," he tells me, and a pang hits my ribs. Mizuki…he was loyal to a fault, and that was probably why he was so devoted to me, poor thing. I didn't want him to hurt. Not at all. "Come back, Nanami," Tomoe says. "Make Mizuki smile again. Erase the twins' despair." He swallows and squeezes my hands. "Don't leave me. _Please_." He almost sounds genuine.

But I know I will never be enough. I'm not Yukiji, I'm not a land god…I am nothing. And it would be best if we could all forget me and move on. Tomoe is stubborn and will not let me go; I am his lady and mistress, and that is all I will ever be to him. I won't look at him. He doesn't deserve the satisfaction of knowing how his words, and the unsung implications, are cutting me deeper than he could ever care about.


End file.
